Worry and Stress.....Stress and Worry

So after having spent a horrible, restless night....up at 2:30 tossing and turning and flipping and flopping and fretting, worrying, wondering. I finally took something at 4am to help me fall back asleep only to sit bolt upright at 8am. Uggghhhhh is this ever gonna end? Guess you're wondering what I'm talking about. Well as I stated in my very first post, but in case you missed it, I am the victim of child abuse. Approx 3 years ago 2 young girls came forward to say that this same man had abused them. I have never in all these years said anything, except to my husband,and that had only been in recent years, decided I needed to come forward. Let me say that one of the toughest things I have ever done, after years of denial was to sit my kids down and tell them what had happened and what would happen. You see the predator(that's how I'll refer to him), was married to my mother, although not my father. Once the can of worms is opened there is no going back....period. They had been in our lives, because all of that was buried deep, denial was my biggest friend. But several years before things had grown tense and I had started distancing myself....maybe I knew what was coming? I'm unclear of the reasons but visitation had stopped, calls, cards. The predator was arrested and charged with several counts. He hires a big time high powered attorney (scum) Sorry if you're an attorney but if you defend child predators you are worthless in my book. Needless to say he made bond by putting his house up. Then went before a grand jury and needless to say I was horrified he'd get off there. I will never forget the day. With family in TN at the Hard Rock Cafe the DA called and said we have an indictment. I laid my head over on the table and cried, tears of relief. Somebody believed us!!! You see my mother had called me a liar....how can this be? The natural instinct of a mother is to protect child. What happened? Granted I was 45 years old at the time, but darn, I'm still her flesh and blood. The case moves painfully slow through the system.....almost grinding. Oh God please make it go faster. Then new charges are brought and he is re-arrested. Must re-bond out.....somewhere, somehow he comes up with it and is out on the streets again!!!! And I might add that he still is to this day. I suspect his older daughter who denies he ever touched her is the one who has put out lots of money and property. So 3 years have passed in 6 month intervals. It's always just on the surface of my mind...but not enough to interfere with my life. However this week was bad. A new victim was found, completely by accident. A family member, someone dear to my heart. Her mother called me in a panic. What to do, what to say. So I guided her as best I could. Saying all the right things. You can't make her talk, reassure her, you can't make her come forward, reassure her, you can't make her testify....all the time, in my mind she was going to testify. Who in their right mind wouldn't? And before you judge my feelings, know that I know, they were wrong.....but who can help ones feelings. They just are. And so her mother calls me back the next day in tears again.....the child will not testify (she is now an adult) WHAT!!!!!!!! I can feel this rage building in me. The more the mom talks the angrier I become. What do you mean you've forgiven him? What do you mean you don't want him to suffer in jail? What are you thinking? Who are you? I managed to get off of the phone and my whole world fell apart, crumbled before me. After managing to finish a cake that was being picked up at 3 and getting hubby out the door for a funeral, I laid in a fetal position for hours, sobbing. The painful memories of the past welling up inside of me. Anger over someone forgiving this man. My dearest friends called, texted, emailed, inboxed.....TY! My support system is strong, my husband whom I give much grief to when I'm in these horrible moods, my kids, how awesome are they? My cousins who are incredible! My friends who are like a huge circle surrounding me. My church family...no words for them. And then there's God. With him, all things are possible. He is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect. His grace is sufficient for me and his strength is made perfect in my weakness. I started therapy in June of this year for the first time ever. My therapist is an incredible woman guiding me through my emotional battle. Over the scars and onto healing. I also started a new job mid June and it has been wonderful for me. I only hope that somehow they know what a blessing they are to me. There are a lot of things I don't understand, but this I do know, All things work together for good to them that love him....

Take care of you,

Karen