I Am A Survivor

I haven't blogged in nearly 2 months. The holiday rush, work, kids, grandkids, life. Things are settling back into normal (whatever that is) and so I wanted to post instead of just enjoying everyone else's blogs. I've  been reading blogs written by survivors of sexual abuse. I came across one that I found very interesting and so true and I quote - Often we hear victims say, "I'm moving on with my life" But the abusers, the criminals, the bullies, don’t move on. They thrive in the knowledge that their victims will, most often, move on. Essentially cowards themselves, they understand that their victims will protect them – by preferring the easy way out. By shutting up. By not calling a crime a crime. By leaving undefended the abuse. Fighting my own court battle for 2 years now with little results and certainly no justice and 6 months of ongoing therapy I find myself angry at victims that won't speak out. Never mind that it took me 25 years to speak out. I've been freed from the shame, the fear, the grasp of the abuser. It's all back on him. So looking from the inside out and back in again I can see more clearly......JUST SPEAK OUT! It's so liberating to the body, mind and soul. I can say one thing for sure, this made me a fighter. I never remember fighting as much as the day I faught against abuse. I'm thankful to have that fighting spirit. I'm also thankful, that after all the reading I've done I don't suffer from most of the things child abuse victims suffer from. My therapist told me yesterday, there are two kinds of people. One is the pessimist.....it's always gonna be bad, this will never end, it's all my fault. And the optimist (that's me) this will end, and until it does I'll make the best of it, it's NOT my fault. I guess I've been an optimist all my life. I knew one day it would end and I knew I had done nothing to deserve it and I faught to get free. Sexual abuse against children is a vicious cycle of being abused, living in shame, not being able to function as a normal adult and sustain healthy relationships. Sometimes becoming an abuser to others or yourself. Recently all the talk of gun control has angered me. Not that I don't think changes need to be made, but the right to bear arms is a constitutional right. Somehow we've become more focused on things like that then other serious issues. As I sit two years and counting, waiting for some justice I realize the court system stinks!!! Sorry if you work in the system. But you gotta admit that changes are needed here too. I know there is a burden of proof, but geeze to allow cases to drag on for years while a child molester is on the streets. Just give the guy a gun and tell him to feel free to kill whomever he wants why don't you? Because essentially this is what's happening.......he's killing youngsters everytime he touches them. When we begin to look at the core of what's wrong with our nation, this is at the heart. To often it's something we don't talk about.....I'm guilty of this. Instead of opening up and talking to our kids about it we sweep it under the rug. I can tell you that I see a huge difference in the way I was not talked to and the way my cousins were talked to. Then we allow molester to walk free as cases drag through court on delays for this that and the other. Do you have to be Gary Sandusky and have molested umpteen children in a very public college town to get your case pushed through the system at a high rate of speed? Or do you have to take a sawed off shot gun to a movie theater and kill a mass crowd? What's the deal?  I'm truly sorry is this post seems dark and depressing. Just thoughts that I needed to vent and this is the place I do it. 

Happy Hump Day

If justice isn't served here, there will be a day

Happy Novemeber...Day 1 Of Thanksgiving



http://www.kimberlyryanphotography.net/

(All photos taken by Kimberly Ryan)

 

Well Novemeber.....my how tis year has flown by. Seems like yesterday w were ringing in 2012. Today starts a traditional 30 days of Thanksgiving. A short disclaimer before I give mine for today. I think we should be thankful everyday.....even in the bad times. That in itself can be hard. Also the things I put to paper that I'm thankful for are in no particular order and I'm not more thankful for one then the other. It's just whatever I'm feeling on that day. With that being said.....Let the Thanks begin!

 

Today I'm Thankful For The Gift Of Grands

 

 

I can remember as a young girl longing to have children, a family. Perhaps all the things I'd been through birthed that desire. My family has always mean't the world to me. But I've gotta say that grandkids are for sure heavens reward.



They bring me complete and utter joy. Even on days like today when sprite got spilled on the floor 3 times and after that got mopped up, pee pee had to be mopped up. And when I said no he said yes and please help me pick up all these toys and I'm only 4 years old I don't know how to bath myself and its 10 oclock and I've been home since 4 and I've got NOTHING done.

 

 

Anyone who has a grandbaby knows what I'm talking about and anyone that doesn't is totally clueless. I started a new tration for birthdays the latter part of this year, completely by accident. I didn't have time to get Maddie's present before her party cause I was to busy making a cake so I took her out to eat and shopping. I can't even tell you that it brought more pleasure to me, I think

 

 

To know them is to love them <3 All so beautiful/handsome and oh so smart. Why they are smarter then any grandbabies I know!!!! Right? You all say that don't you? And why not? They are yours. They have you wrapped from the moment the nurse wheels mom and baby through those double doors. Better yet, watch one being shoved out and you'll really have a sense of "Yeah that's my kid. They make me laugh daily and some many things I don't want to forget. Once several years sgo we were out to eat and their pawpaw has always tried to make them choose who they love most, me or him. Abby grabbed us each by the neck and she said I love ya'll both the same!!!

 

 

Heaven sent them to me and I am eternally greatful to call them mine. I want them to always remember that I was the mawmaw wo they had so much fun with and gave them what they wanted when mom and dad said no. Zachary and I have had a tradition since his first haircut. See he was the first boy born on either side of the family since his dad some 23 years before. So excited were we when the lady doing the sonagram said its a boy that the little tiny room exploded with screams of delight. About every 6 weeks we go off to get a haircut and then off to the dollar store for treats. The girls wormed there way in too, but it's ll memories. His mom said to me one day, Mrs Karen, Zachary is gonna remember that and I said thats why I do it

 

 

My heart swells with pride everytime I see them and I thank God daily for this blessing. What would a world be without GRANDS?

 

 



The Sweet Smell Of A Memory

This past weekend found me free....free of cakes, free of a home football game, free of a husband (it's hunting season) so I headed up to Natchitoches. Natchitoches is a beautiful old town rich in history, it is where my family originated and it is where my all time favorite movie, Steel Magnolia's was filmed. I have lots of extended family in and about the area, but my cousin Rhonda just got her a new little apartment and had been wanting me to come so off I went.

We really didn't do a whole lot. We cooked, we ate, we watched football, we talked, we walked front street and did a little shopping. My cousins and were raised more like siblings then cousin. We have always been close. We lost track of each other while raising kids....but over the past 3-4 years we've been brought back together and I'll be the first to say, I'm not sure where I'd be without them. Kelly, Rhonda's sister, has always been the one who appears to have her head screwed on correctly. She always has a different twist, angle, prospective, she makes you think. We call her the leader. Rhonda and I are a lot alike....hot headed and mouthy. That's not to say Kelly isn't, she just has a tighter grip on her emotions I guess.

 I had missed my therapy 2 weeks in a row so visiting her was very therapeutic. We talked, as we always do, about everything. Seems like our conversations always come back around to the ones we've lost. Her mother back some 15 years ago I believe and our grandparents. Grandpa has been gone nearly 3 years and grandma gone a year now and our uncle, who was more like a brother, who has been gone nearly 2 years. The normal things....wish we had done this, said that. Oh how we miss them, wish we could talk to them. Get an opinion on this or that. Show us how to cook this or that....ah the memories and the opportunities missed. Some things taken to the grave.....we will never know. Before my grandparents passed, my grandfather told me to take the two things I wanted. I argued with him over this, but he insisted. I had said that when they were gone I refused to argue over their belongings. I'd never tarnish their memory in that way. So I secretly think he wanted to know that I had them. And so it is with pride that I display those two things. One is an old stereo that I literally cut my teeth on and I remember waking on Sunday mornings to gospel music playing on it. It still works.

 The other is a picture that my grandmother loved, and although I had a copy, I wanted that picture because she loved it so much.

 I was blessed to receive some other things when they died. Some dishes my grandmother used often and the Bible my grandfather used until he drew his last breath. It is a priceless treasure of which I was humbled to receive.

 But no matter how much of their "stuff" you have, it never seems to be enough. Several years ago when my grandmother was still able to talk and get around a bit she had given me two hand sewn quilt tops. I had no clue at the time what she was giving me nor the work that she put into them. I gave them to my sister in law to try to find someone to put the backing on. Completely forgot about them till a few days ago. My hubby was going there this past weekend so I asked him to get them(I had found a lady that is making a tshirt quilt for me) I prayed that they had stayed safe and unharmed. This morning I was getting ready for work and noticed a plastic bin on the bar. I had paid little attention to it last night. I was ready to get home, see my husband, see my kid, see my kitten. So I walked up to the bin, opened it and the tears began to flow.

 There were my two quilt tops, in pristine condition. I lifted the top one out and there it was.....her smell. As though she were standing in the room with me. The sweet smell of memories! I looked at it as long as I could, and then I laid it down and ran off to work. As the day has gone on, all I can think of is getting those quilts finished so I can wrap myself up in it....bring her back somehow. I know that's not possible but one can dream. 

So as Rhonda and I talked about the happy memories that we have of our childhood, being raised with those amazing people in our lives I'm thankful for the time we had, the lessons taught lovingly by example or via belt or fly swatter. Life seems so much more hectic then it use to be. Maybe it was as hectic back then and it just seemed like it wasn't. Kinda like going back to the house you were raised in, remembering it to be so big only to walk in the door and its really small. I've asked the question a lot lately, How did I turn out to be the person I am today with all the things I faced as a child? The answer is simply....the love and care shown to me by the people gone on over shadowed the bad. For this I am grateful and I'm also thankful for the sweet smell of a memory :0)

Take care of you

Happy Birthday Travis

(My heart)

Today is my only son's birthday. He arrived about 4 weeks early. I didn't even have a clue I was in labor. All in the back.....it was excruciating. We happened to be on a trip out of town. Where you ask? Natchitoches, on a hunting trip......it was the first day of squirrel season! Well his father was hunting, I was pacing the floor. This was long before cell phones and such and with no way to reach his father we headed to the hospital where it was confirmed I was in labor and I birthed that boy all by myself without the aid of any drug!!!

(Sick with pneumonia)

 From the moment he entered my life he filled this empty spot. If you know me, or follow along with my blog you know of which I speak. Because I was so young I often had people that would try to take him, take over. I always raised my hand up and said, nope, he's mine.

(Maddie Grace face right there)

 We basically grew up together, Me and Travis, Travis and me. He was an early riser....sun up, Travis's feet hit the floor, that is till somewhere around middle school where he preferred sleep over play. I can remember as a young child wanting to have children but I never imagined such love. We've always been close, although high school brought some rough waters. I can honestly say the boy has brought me nothing but joy.

(High School)

 As I read this post on Travis's FB a few days back regarding his only son, " Last night while having a "heart to heart" with my son concerning his eduction and the effort he was putting into I had one of those moments where I realized I sounded just like my dad when we discussed my school performance. This boy is a carbon copy of his dad when it comes to school and now I realize how frustrating it can be for a parent and a teacher and I wish now I'd have put fourth a little more effort and tried a little harder, cause now I'm getting the pay back mom wished on me"  It brought back a flood of sweet memories of days gone by.

(Travis and Eric, early 90's

 His dad thinks he and Travis have a great relationship, and they do. But one day I just had to tell Tommy, you don't know the days that boy stops off here at this house to see his momma (and Cherie prolly doesn't either)

(His Wedding Day)

 He is what every mom wants their son to be. Honest, hard working, faithful, loving, giving and kind. He's an awesome son, an amazing Dad and a pretty good husband in my opinion (although I'm not married to him) I've always gotten complements on how wonderful my children are and they say it's a product of their raising.

(All of his buddies. It warms my heart to say he is still friends with all these guys)

 Admittedly I've made plenty of mistakes but that child, nor any of my others for that matter wasn't one. They've all been blessings in their own ways. They don't come with an instruction book. You learn as you go. But I loved them unconditionally, even when I wanted to kill, I gave them a little rope, and I gave them rules. Along with the rules came punishment for breaking said rules.

(Daddy and Son)

 So Travis as you try to steer your son in the right direction.....remember he is a carbon copy of you and what works on one may not work on the other. You've made me one proud momma and I love you more then I could ever say in words. 

Happy Birthday Travis!!!!!

Meet My Madelyn (Maddie) Grace

Madelyn Grace Russell, otherwise known as Maddie Grace. She was born August 30, 2009 and come home from the hospital in the middle of Hurricane Gustav. She has an amazing personality and a very deep voice.

I decided, with Maddie, to start a new tradition on their birthdays. And oh can I tell you the other kids were UPset.....I took Maddie Grace out to eat at the restaurant of her choice (Cheesecake Bistro) and then a little retail therapy!!!! All girls love this

We sit down and she promptly orders crawfish ravioli and says "Soooo this is the place my mommy and all her friends come?" As though we've been trying to keep a big secret

As we are "sharing" a ravioli I ask her what kind of cheesecake she is gonna order.....without blinking an eye she says CHOCOLATE!!!!

She is her mothers child!!!!

Do you see the look of sheer delight on this little face?

Our server was absolutely taken away with her and gave her the cheesecake since it was her birthday! 

Charmer or what?

We went to the mall where we bought candy at the candy store and shoes at the shoe store and Barbies at the Barbie store. There wasn't anything she didn't like (true girl)

Above she is holding her candy treasure and below is a pair of shoes we got

And the princess is flat worn out!!!!!!

We had a wonderful day together.....making memories together! Family-a most precious gift. In the down times, surround yourself with those you love. They will pull you through!!!!!!!

Take care of you

Karen

How About Some Cake????

 The other day as I was looking at a friends blog and all the pretty signs she paints I thought wow I'd love to be able to do that but I don't have the patience. But put a cake in front of me and I'm good to go, I'm inspired. It's a passion I've had for years. I love it....its like painting a different picture, a new canvas.  Here we go.....

Every year I do some tailgate cakes. This is my absolute favored tailgate cake of all time. Perhaps its because I love The Golden Band from Tigerland

And what Tiger tailgate cake would be complete without a little purple and gold? (Disclaimer: the band cake was red velvet. I like to give the tailgaters variety, it is the spice of life)

I had the awesome opportunity to make this cake for a sweet couple. I will tell you that I woke up with the cold sweats at night thinking about doing all these lines. I was, and still am most proud of this cake

I've done so many baby shower cakes I think sometimes I've lost track. This is my absolute favorite

One of my most favorite Grad cakes

 This cake made me jump up and down with excitement.....a bridal shower cake!!!! Out of the box!!!

The bulk of what I make is birthday cakes. This one is a favorite

And who doesn't love Dr. Seuss?

I'm so grateful to have gotten the chance to make this cake....Imagination Movers for Tristyn. Through the charity that I work for, we make cakes for children with serious and sometimes terminal illness and disease :0)

My grandkids are no doubt spoiled rotten. They order up and I bake and decorate up

Of course Recey had to try and out do Maddie Grace

And then cupcakes are a must for the school parties 

AND.....

The Grads!!!!

Hope you've enjoyed looking at some of my cakes and looking at a lighter post, lol. If you're in need email me at sweetkonfections@gmail.com. You can also like my page, Karen's Sweet Konfections on Facebook

Take care of you

Karen